Shubh Navratri !

God Bless all !

Driving in India- A Hilarious Account ..!

As written by a Dutch man ( supposedly ) who visited India years back...

I visited Mumbai recently and agree with the observations about driving. For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.

Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best and leave the results to your insurance company.

The hints are as follows:

Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess.....

1. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. 

2. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position. 

3. Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead. 

4. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts) or just to mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar. 

5. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when over-ground traffic meets underground drainage. 

6. Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. 

Indian roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver and the peg of illicit arrack he has had at the last stop; his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India and are licensed to kill...(ahem )

Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.

During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day.

Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrim buses go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

Unique to Indian traffic:

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi)

The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare.

After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds

The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes

Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem (hell). There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

One-way Street

These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type.

Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also.

Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left un-tarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.

If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am - when the police have gone home. The citizen is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in the constitution.

Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate and related deaths are less in India compared to US or other countries ?

The cow !

GOI - online...

Here is a near comprehensive list of all the Govt of India services that are available online...
( thanks to Priyank for the links)

1. Birth Certificate < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/howdoi.php?service=1 > .

2. Caste Certificate < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/howdoi.php?service=4 > .

3. Tribe Certificate < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=8 > .

4. Domicile Certificate < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/howdoi.php?service=5 > .

5. Driving Licence < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/howdoi.php?service=6 > .

6. Marriage Certificate < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/howdoi.php?service=3 > .

7. Death Certificate < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/howdoi.php?service=2 > .

Apply for:

1. PAN Card < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=15 > .

2. TAN Card < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=3 > .

3. Ration Card < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/howdoi.php?service=7 > .

4. Passport < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=2 > .

5. Inclusion of name in the Electoral Rolls < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/howdoi.php?service=10 > .

Register:

1. Land/Property < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/howdoi.php?service=9 > .

2. Vehicle < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/howdoi.php?service=13 > .

3. With State Employment Exchange < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/howdoi.php?service=12 > .

4. As Employer < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=17 > .

5. Company < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=19 > .

6. .IN Domain < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=18 > .

7. GOV.IN Domain < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=25 > .

Check/Track:

1. Waiting list status for Central Government Housing < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=9 > .

2. Status of Stolen Vehicles < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=1 > .

3. Land Records < http://www.india.gov.in/landrecords/index.php > .

4. Cause list of Indian Courts < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=7 > .

5. Court Judgments (JUDIS ) < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=24 > .

6. Daily Court Orders/Case Status < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=21 > .

7. Acts of Indian Parliament < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=13 > .

8. Exam Results < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=16 > .

9. Speed Post Status < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=10 > .

10. Agricultural Market Prices Online < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=6 > .

Book/File/Lodge:

1. Train Tickets Online < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=5 > .

2. Air Tickets Online < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=4 > .

3. Income Tax Returns < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=12 > .

4. Complaint with Central Vigilance Commission (CVC) < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=14 > .

Contribute to:

1. Prime Minister's Relief Fund < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=11 > .

Others:

1. Send Letters Electronically < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/otherservice_details.php?service=20 > .


Recently Added Online Services

1. Tamil Nadu: Online application of marriage certificate for persons having registered their marriages < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/onlineservice_detail.php?service=2691 > .

2. Tamil Nadu: Online District wise soil Details of Tamil Nadu < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/onlineservice_detail.php?service=2693 > .

3. Tamil Nadu: View Water shed Atlas of Tamil Nadu < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/onlineservice_detail.php?service=2694 > .

4. Tamil Nadu: E-Pension District Treasury Tirunelveli < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/onlineservice_detail.php?service=2695 > .

5. Meghalaya: Search Electoral Roll Online by Name (2008) < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/onlineservice_detail.php?service=2697 > .

6. Meghalaya: Search Electoral Roll Online by EPIC number (2008) < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/onlineservice_detail.php?service=2698 > .

7. Meghalaya: Search Electoral Roll Online by House number (2008) < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/onlineservice_detail.php?service=2699 > .

8. Himachal Pradesh: Revised Pay and Arrears Calculator-Fifth Pay < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/onlineservice_detail.php?service=2702 > .

9. Meghalaya: Search Electoral Roll Online by Part number (2008) < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/onlineservice_detail.php?service=2700 > .

10. Andhra Pradesh: Online Motor Driving School Information < http://www.india.gov.in/howdo/onlineservice_detail.php?service=2705 > .

Global Navigation

1. Citizens < http://www.india.gov.in/citizen.php > .

2. Business (External website that opens in a new window) < http://business.gov.in/ > .

3. Overseas < http://www.india.gov.in/overseas.php > .

4. Government < http://www.india.gov.in/govtphp > .

5. Know India < http://www.india.gov.in/knowindia.php > .

6. Sectors < http://www.india.gov.in/sector.php > .

7. Directories < http://www.india.gov.in/directories.php > .

8. Documents < http://www.india.gov.in/documents.php > .

9. Forms < http://www.india.gov.in/forms/forms.php > .

10. Acts < http://www.india.gov.in/govt/acts.php > .

11. Rules < http://www.india.gov.in/govt/rules.php > .

12. Schemes < http://www.india.gov.in/govt/schemes.php > .

13. Tenders < http://www.india.gov.in/tenders.php > .

14. Home < http://www.india.gov.in/default.php > .

15. About the Portal < http://www.india.gov.in/abouttheportal.php > .

16. Site Map < http://www.india.gov.in/sitemap.php > .

17. Link to Us < http://www.india.gov.in/linktous.php > .

18. Suggest to a Friend < http://www.india.gov.in/suggest/suggest.php > .

19. Help < http://www.india.gov.in/help.php > .

20. Terms of Use < http://www.india.gov.in/termscondtions.php > .

21. Feedback < http://www.india.gov.in/feedback.php > .

22. Contact Us < http://www.india.gov.in/contactus.php > .

23. Accessibility Statement < http://www.india.gov.in/accessibilitystatement.php > .

Hail Indian DemocraZy !!!!

Jyoti Kumari is a symbol of the rot and rascals that rule us.. Far away in Bihar, she but is here and there every where as the misfortune that rules India, making sure that we remain poor, illiterate , impoverished and above all primitive so that every 5 years they can arrive in there Scorpios and Mercs with plastic smiles and beg for votes..

She is a Congress MLC protesting her ouster for what you see here down in the video and this is her form of protest.. How I Hope Gandhi , whom they call the Mahatma , was alive to see what he left of to his protege Nehru has taken this country to...

If I dont get to rule, I will destroy everything, I will hold the people to ransom, I will violate all rules and laws regardless of the fact that my tribe has made over ages ...... that seems to be the motto of our ruler.....

Every time such stuff comes up all the parties shamelessly jump into the fray accusing each other but in the process maintaining a strange unison.. they are all the same, only the people are different be it colour, caste , creed or cost of living that they can encur...

Least I can say .. Hail this great democraZy of ours !!!!

AN Arab son's letter !

Dear Dad

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really
like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive
at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB
when all my teachers and many fellow students
travel by train.

Your son, Nasser

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail
from his dad:

My dear loving son

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred
to your account. Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, your Dad

The new waka waka..

Too good to be true !!!!

Water closet - funny !

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India . She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England , as you know, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for "Water Closet". She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC.

The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" (Place where Celebrations are done especially like a beautiful garden) near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds.

So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and isopen on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.. It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. We can take photos indifferent angle. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time. I would recommend Your Ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,

The Schoolmaster

Paul the super star ...

the hand of God - Now...

This is what the famous hand of god is doing - NOW !!!

All about farts.. !

Obliged to Dr ManjuLakshmi -a renowned fartolgist and researcher....

Murphy's day out......!!!

Heavy rains and thunder with dark clouds suddenly looming and this poor guy getting caught in the rain suddenly… My car refused to start and I panicked.. Tried my skills to get the machine run and when failed call up my mechanic who is far away and a bit drunk… tried all the possible rescue numbers and then at last get the 24 hours rescue and emergency team of the most trusted Maruthi dealer in town…

I explain the nature of the problem ( symptoms rather) and after which comes the assurance we are there sir.. in 10 minutes… one hour later and after some 231 thunder and lighting flashes later, I call them and they are still 10 minutes away.. finally a group of three guys (young teens who looked dead tired) arrive and one of them come out, tries his bit, comes out and announces to a waiting me…

It is a break down…

I knew it and hence didn’t find any news value in it…

So… I ask…

Don’t you know any house near by?....He asks…

Why? I get tense again…

No… we don’t have the tools.. the head of the 24 hours emergency and rescue team tells me without a bit of shame…

What you mean?.. I said…

He meant what he said.. they are an awesome threesome who is on a drive on a rainy evening with some other mission… an idiot with his car that got stuck some where on the road is the last of their problems…

You have a rope? He asks me…

I would have asked him whether he is so ashamed that he wanted to commit suicide but didn’t ask ( for obvious reasons)..

Again…. This time almost crying… I ask…. why?

So that we can tie it and take it to your home…
pat comes the seasoned reply...

How will I have a rope my dear…. ? I ask in shock..

He didn’t reply but had it written on his face that those jokers who drive around in cars have to carry at least a rope, big and strong enough to pull your car…
I don’t have a rope.. I take them to IBS where I work, where I know there is a long rope.. we get back , they tie it and then drag the car to my home.. we had almost reached and as I thank Murphy for having stopped his dance, comes the climax….

The rescue car refuses to move… the team try and try and finally they accept defeat.. I pray to Lord Murphy to spare me and let me get back home… the rescue car starts and some how my car is pushed into my car porch…

I try to advise them.. the F*&^%$$ng Marketing Professor that I am…

It is unbelievable that mechanics of your firm couldn’t do this… I guess this is a minor work…

He smiles at me and it flashed more powerful than all the 231 lightning flashes.... he then told me that secret… we are not mechanics sir… we are just trainees.. and I joined just last week…

Amen....I said... !!

Stress and its after effects

Mayawati- Dalit to Daulat putri

Even as the noice over the multi-crore garland gifted to BSP chief Mayawati at a rally in Lucknow is up and tonight chat show hosts are yet to debate over it, even as Suhel seth's and Ravi shankar prasad's ( not forgeting Digvijay singh's and Vinod Mehta's) havent yet put on their make up to start for the TV studio's.....an audacious BSP has gifted multi megalomaniac Mayawati with yet another cash garland (this time worth Rs 18 lakh as the notice was just a night and the goons and brigades have to come back to Lucknow with the weekly hafta).... the question that balles is......Now what?

Media reports said."The Opposition has objected to Mayawati's garland and are making it an issue. BSP is very angry about all these allegations being made against Mayawati. We will continue to garland Mayawati with currency note garlands," thundered BSP leader Nasimuddin Siddiqui at a crowded press conference.

I agree with him 200%....In a country where in the name of democracy when we can elect jokers, nincompoops , the haughty , dynastic princes, crooks, nanogenerians and gang lords, why not a Mayawati?

Mayawati should but be appreciated for one thing- nauseating though, her public display of (what other politicians do in secret) wealth that they have (obviously) made through kick backs' hafta and havala, is a shock for others... not for the public at large but for the politician who is now panicking that people will suspect them as well.. after all if a simple UP CM can amass such wealth in small span of time, (the public will start thinking), how much would have the long time rulers (who now speak atop the hills of morality) accumulated in the last 60 years plus? Now that is a question that is making the politician panic..Now the display is vulgar, not the amassing...

Will it be followed up? Will she be made to answer?.......we know the answer and hence the public is just as cool as ever.. We, the average Indian has seen it all...

As of now, the Dalit putri has proved more to be a Daulat putri.....

Two Beer Tales...

They mean CHILLED BEER .....


and let this not happen with you on a week end !!!

Day light robbery..... Indian school style..

ultimate illusion...

Well !! the best as it can get .....

Happy valentines day !

For all the lovers in this beautiful world !

Games people play !

Practise is everything !!!

Tatoo of the year !!

How creative !!!!!!!!!

Organised Crime !

Modern day Ramayana Comics !

It's heaven here !!!

For those who do not understand malayalam, the film poster says "it's heaven here" .... and the rest you can see.... Happy New Year people !!!

A New Year plea !

Lord, let me stand in the thick of the fight,
Let me bear what I must without whining;
Grant me the wisdom to do what is right,
Though a thousand false beacons are shining.

Let me be true as the steel of a blade,
Make me bigger than skillful or clever;
Teach me to cling to my best, unafraid,
And harken to false gospels, never.

Let me be brave when the burden is great,
Faithful when wounded by sorrow;
Teach me, when troubled, with patience to wait
The better and brighter to-morrow.

Spare me from hatred and envy and shame,
Open my eyes to life's beauty;
Let not the glitter of fortune or fame
Blind me to what is my duty.

Let me be true to myself to the end,
Let me stand to my task without whining;
Let me be right as a man, as a friend,
Though a thousand false beacons are shining.

.....Edgar Guest