Oh Lord..forgive them !!!

O Henry twist...

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.The woman took out her purse, extracted twenty dollars and asked,

"If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No. I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked

"No. I don"t waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven"t had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I"m not going to give you the money. Instead, I"m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded.

"Won"t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I"m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That"s okay. Its important for me to make him see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair and salon appointments and wine."

Now that is a climax aint it..?

The devil of stupid things !!!

OLD VERSION.....

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION.....

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold.....

NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Barkha dath emotionally tells the world the tale of "two worlds".....The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor grass hopper is allowed to suffer so? CNN IBN conducts a sting operation and celebrates for a week...Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house (her booker money kept safe in the Bank of London)....Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other grasshoppers demanding that grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.......

Amnesty International and Ban ki Moon, the eighth Secretary General of the UN, criticizes the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper.The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper (many promising Heaven and everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance) .

Opposition MP's stages walkout.....Left parties call for "Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala ( if for saddam Hussein, why not for this?) demanding a Judicial Enquiry.CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among ants and grasshoppers.Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshopperson all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as theGrasshopper Rath.....

Finally, a Parliamentary Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act [POTAGA]", witheffect from the beginning of the winter.The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home confiscated and it send out, covered live byNDTV. Arundhati Roy calls it "a triumph of justice". Lalu calls it "true socialism" and CPM terms it 'revolutionary resurgence of the downtrodden' .....Ban ki Moon invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly....

The outcome Many years later...

The ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi billion dollar company in silicon valley .1000 s of grasshoppers die of starvation in India...... Arundathi Roy has got another booker for her novel "the devil of stupic things"....

Thread from a good old friend Sumesh and the rest from me......

For all chinese food junkies..!!

saw this sometime back in the net...still confused whether it could be true..?

Family planning...

After having their 11th child, an Punjabi couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy thatwould fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10........

The husband said to the doctor, see man, I may not be the smartestguy in the world, I am a sardar, I agree... but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor....

So the man wenthome, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand....................

This procedure also works in some parts of Bihar, Kerala and the Rest of India...

The Richie rich show....

TOP 10 - World's Richest Men ...

Wealth in USD$ ....
Name ,Wealth, Source,Citizenship,Personal in that order....

1. William Gates III (world's richest person - for 12 years in a row!)
$50.0 billion
Microsoft
USA
50yo - Married, 3 children

2. Warren Buffett
$42.0 billion
Berkshire Hathaway
USA
75yo - Widowed, 3 children

3. Carlos Slim Helu
$30.0 billion
Telecom
Mexico
66yo - Widowed, 6 children

4. Ingvar Kamprad
$28.0 billion
Ikea (retail)
Sweden
79yo - Married, 4 children

5. Lakshmi Mittal
$23.5 billion
Mittal Steel (manufacturing steel)
India
55yo - Married, 2 children

6. Paul Allen
$22.0 billion
Microsoft, investments
USA
53yo - Single, 0 children

7. Bernard Arnault
$21.5 billion
LVMH
France
57yo - Married, 5 children

8. Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal Alsaud
$20.0 billion
investments
Saudi Arabia
49yo - Divorced, 2 children

9. Kenneth Thomson & family
$19.6 billion
publishing
Canada
82yo - Married, 3 children

10. Li Ka-shing
$18.8 billion
diversified
Hong Kong
77yo - Widowed, 2 children

confusion = family?

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.One of them kept complaining of family problems....

Finally the other man said: "You think you have family problems?Listen to my situation.
A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown up daughter. We got married and I got myself a step-daughter. Later, my father married my step-daughter. That made my step daughter my step-mother. And my father became my step-son. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Much later the daughter of my wife, my step-mother, had a son. This boy was my half brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my half brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half sister of my son, my step-mother, is also his grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose step-sister is my father's wife. I am my step-mother' s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRAND FATHER!!!!!!!!!!

And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS ?

He is the cow..!!!

he is the cow..!!!

You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this. That is guarenteed and no confusion there !!!

This is an Essay written by a Bihari candidate at the UPSC (IAS) Examinations.... I doubt that ,to be frank but still it is good for a laugh...

HE IS THE COW.

The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, (but will do so when he is got child). He is scared to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together.Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilized for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. (Horses don't have any such attachment) What can it do?
Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species. Also his other motion.. (gober) is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes (like Pizza), in hand , and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating.
Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth.He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies.

Now if Jade goody reads this what will be her comment on INDIAN ENGLISH?