One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Manmohan says to Lal behind him, "my elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Lal replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten rupees... a heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Manmohan collects urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten rupees and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Manmohan began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. He hurried back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten rupees , pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her in to rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs repair.
6. And if you don't stop playing your thing with your hands, your elbow will never get better.
Have a confused week end people !!!
Showing posts with label fun. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fun. Show all posts
Oct 1, 2009
Jul 22, 2009
Mar 25, 2009
Nov 24, 2008
The Men's rules
Finally , the guys' side of the story. We always hear " the rules " From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
Finally , the guys' side of the story. We always hear " the rules " From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
********** 1. Men are NOT mind readers.
************
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
************
1. Crying is blackmail.
************
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
************
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
************
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
************
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
************
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
************
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
************
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
************
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
************
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
************
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
************
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
************
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
************
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
************
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
************
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really .
************
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
************
1. You have enough clothes.
************
1. You have too many shoes.
************
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
************
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
Now here are the rules from the male side.
Finally , the guys' side of the story. We always hear " the rules " From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
********** 1. Men are NOT mind readers.
************
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
************
1. Crying is blackmail.
************
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
************
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
************
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
************
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
************
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
************
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
************
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
************
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
************
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
************
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
************
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
************
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
************
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
************
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
************
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really .
************
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
************
1. You have enough clothes.
************
1. You have too many shoes.
************
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
************
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
Nov 10, 2008
Management lessons !
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
NOW -------- Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
NOW -------- Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
Oct 29, 2008
Oct 25, 2008
Masala dosa Research !!
There are many ways to eat a masala dosa .What ever the way one eats; there is a very good reason for doing that. It shows some hidden character traits of the person....
Case 1: People who open the masala dosa and eat it: These are the people who are very open about their life. Everyone one the persons friends would know all about him/her. I have generally seen guys do this rather than girls. Some people think that it is a gross way of eating but in truth, these people are just portraying who they are and how their life is.
Case 2: People who start from both end and approach the masala later: These are the people who like to wait for the exiting things to come to their life. Sadly when the times comes, they are not too interested or just do not know how to enjoy it to the fullest. These are the folks who just want life as either dry or exiting. They just do not know how to phase their life and enjoy it no matter what. There are two types of people within this group
Case 2.1: People who do not finish all the masala: These folks just do not care as much for the fun times as they are already brought down by the harsh reality of life. The dry periods in their life has left them with so much scars that they do not want to be really happy when the time is right. They just take only as much as they needed and end their life. A very sorry state indeed.
Case 2.2: People who finish all the masala with the little dosa they have: These are the folks who just are the extremes. They just go all out in life. No matter it is dark or bright. They may not enjoy life to the fullest but they sure make sure that they get every single good and bad thing out of life. Sometimes these folks are really hard to get along with. They are either your best friends or your worst enemies. They do not have a middle path at all.
Case 3: People who start from the middle and proceed to both ends: These are the people who like to get right to what they think is their best part of life. Usually these guys finish of the good portions in a hurry and get stuck with nothing but worst parts of their life. The thing to note among these people is that the tendency to burn out very early in their life. Like the above case, there are two kinds of people in this group too.
Case 3.1: People who do not finish the dosa: These folks are really the saddest of people. They are the ones who tend to end their life as soon as it hits the bad patch. For them, they only need and want the best things in life and nothing more. Typically, they are not prepared or tuned to life as a whole. They just want to enjoy from first till last. Sadly, no one in the world can live without even an ounce of sadness in life. Not even the richest of the richest. But to self destruct at the mere sign of distress is very bad. That is what these guys tend to do. Some learn to live life but most of them do not.
Case 3.1:People who do finish the dosa: These folks are the typical human beings. We all enjoy the greatest of times in life and push the sad parts thinking about the great times in life. Typically the plate is clean and nothing is left for fate or in life. Happiness and sadness are part of life and these guys know that and are kind of prepared for it. Life is not always happy but there are moments of happiness here and there.
Case 4: People who eat the dosa making sure that the masala lasts for the whole dosa: These people are very rare. These are the people who like to attain balance in their life. It is hard to displease these people and it is hard to make them really happy. They like their balance and are very protective of it. Sadly these are the people who tend to be lonely as anyone else may upset the balance of their system. Perfectionist to the core and are very careful. These guys do not make the best company but are needed in any group to make the group from going hay wire.
Case 5: People who do not share and eat the dosa as if it is precious: These folks are very protective about their life. They do not want anyone to come and interfere in their life. They like to hide their true nature and intensions for their benefit. Beware of such people as they are in every group for their own need and nothing else.
Case 6: People who offer their first bite to others: These guys are overly friendly. They do anything to be part of a group and make everyone feel like the group is important than the individuals. They are the glue that holds any group together. They are very friendly and bring the best of all the others in the group. They go out of their way to help other friends. Most groups should have a person like this and they are the ones who plan the group outings and other group activities. Once this person is out of the group, typically the group slowly falls apart.
Case 7: People who take one or two bites and then offer the dosa to others: These guys care about friends and friendship but they take their time to get into the group. They take their time in making friends and they typically are very committed once into the friendship. These guys like to always be in the side lines and typically do not jump into anything in life. They always take their time to analyze the situation and then make a decision. These guys take the better safe than sorry approach.
Case 8: People who wait for others to make the offer first.... Typical people I must say. They are unsure about everything. Even if they wanted to offer, they will wait till the other person offers the food first. If the other person is silent, so are these people. They are the followers. They do terrific idea, they will pitch it to someone else and get their advice before proceeding. Sadly, most of the elderly world like these types of people.
Case 9: People who offer dosa only when they cannot finish it on their own: You all may be familiar with these kinds of people. People who are very generous only when all their needs are fulfilled. These folks are selfish but at the same time not misers or greedy. They just want to satisfy themselves before they give it to the world. They typically do not stuff themselves nor do they tend to starve. They are very good people who would give you the best of advices in life. They would make sure that you are not sad following their advice.
Case 10: People who offer the whole dosa and eat from others plates: These folks are other extreme. They know what they want, they get what they want but they cannot enjoy what they want. Instead they tend to settle for other things in life which satisfies the needs but does not satisfy the person completely. These guys are termed as born losers cause even when they have the thing they wanted, they can't stop others from stealing it from them.
So next time you sit with a person eating a masala dosa, look closely and see if he falls into one of the above categories. You may be surprised as how much it reveals about the person.!
Case 1: People who open the masala dosa and eat it: These are the people who are very open about their life. Everyone one the persons friends would know all about him/her. I have generally seen guys do this rather than girls. Some people think that it is a gross way of eating but in truth, these people are just portraying who they are and how their life is.
Case 2: People who start from both end and approach the masala later: These are the people who like to wait for the exiting things to come to their life. Sadly when the times comes, they are not too interested or just do not know how to enjoy it to the fullest. These are the folks who just want life as either dry or exiting. They just do not know how to phase their life and enjoy it no matter what. There are two types of people within this group
Case 2.1: People who do not finish all the masala: These folks just do not care as much for the fun times as they are already brought down by the harsh reality of life. The dry periods in their life has left them with so much scars that they do not want to be really happy when the time is right. They just take only as much as they needed and end their life. A very sorry state indeed.
Case 2.2: People who finish all the masala with the little dosa they have: These are the folks who just are the extremes. They just go all out in life. No matter it is dark or bright. They may not enjoy life to the fullest but they sure make sure that they get every single good and bad thing out of life. Sometimes these folks are really hard to get along with. They are either your best friends or your worst enemies. They do not have a middle path at all.
Case 3: People who start from the middle and proceed to both ends: These are the people who like to get right to what they think is their best part of life. Usually these guys finish of the good portions in a hurry and get stuck with nothing but worst parts of their life. The thing to note among these people is that the tendency to burn out very early in their life. Like the above case, there are two kinds of people in this group too.
Case 3.1: People who do not finish the dosa: These folks are really the saddest of people. They are the ones who tend to end their life as soon as it hits the bad patch. For them, they only need and want the best things in life and nothing more. Typically, they are not prepared or tuned to life as a whole. They just want to enjoy from first till last. Sadly, no one in the world can live without even an ounce of sadness in life. Not even the richest of the richest. But to self destruct at the mere sign of distress is very bad. That is what these guys tend to do. Some learn to live life but most of them do not.
Case 3.1:People who do finish the dosa: These folks are the typical human beings. We all enjoy the greatest of times in life and push the sad parts thinking about the great times in life. Typically the plate is clean and nothing is left for fate or in life. Happiness and sadness are part of life and these guys know that and are kind of prepared for it. Life is not always happy but there are moments of happiness here and there.
Case 4: People who eat the dosa making sure that the masala lasts for the whole dosa: These people are very rare. These are the people who like to attain balance in their life. It is hard to displease these people and it is hard to make them really happy. They like their balance and are very protective of it. Sadly these are the people who tend to be lonely as anyone else may upset the balance of their system. Perfectionist to the core and are very careful. These guys do not make the best company but are needed in any group to make the group from going hay wire.
Case 5: People who do not share and eat the dosa as if it is precious: These folks are very protective about their life. They do not want anyone to come and interfere in their life. They like to hide their true nature and intensions for their benefit. Beware of such people as they are in every group for their own need and nothing else.
Case 6: People who offer their first bite to others: These guys are overly friendly. They do anything to be part of a group and make everyone feel like the group is important than the individuals. They are the glue that holds any group together. They are very friendly and bring the best of all the others in the group. They go out of their way to help other friends. Most groups should have a person like this and they are the ones who plan the group outings and other group activities. Once this person is out of the group, typically the group slowly falls apart.
Case 7: People who take one or two bites and then offer the dosa to others: These guys care about friends and friendship but they take their time to get into the group. They take their time in making friends and they typically are very committed once into the friendship. These guys like to always be in the side lines and typically do not jump into anything in life. They always take their time to analyze the situation and then make a decision. These guys take the better safe than sorry approach.
Case 8: People who wait for others to make the offer first.... Typical people I must say. They are unsure about everything. Even if they wanted to offer, they will wait till the other person offers the food first. If the other person is silent, so are these people. They are the followers. They do terrific idea, they will pitch it to someone else and get their advice before proceeding. Sadly, most of the elderly world like these types of people.
Case 9: People who offer dosa only when they cannot finish it on their own: You all may be familiar with these kinds of people. People who are very generous only when all their needs are fulfilled. These folks are selfish but at the same time not misers or greedy. They just want to satisfy themselves before they give it to the world. They typically do not stuff themselves nor do they tend to starve. They are very good people who would give you the best of advices in life. They would make sure that you are not sad following their advice.
Case 10: People who offer the whole dosa and eat from others plates: These folks are other extreme. They know what they want, they get what they want but they cannot enjoy what they want. Instead they tend to settle for other things in life which satisfies the needs but does not satisfy the person completely. These guys are termed as born losers cause even when they have the thing they wanted, they can't stop others from stealing it from them.
So next time you sit with a person eating a masala dosa, look closely and see if he falls into one of the above categories. You may be surprised as how much it reveals about the person.!
With inputs from my colleague Prof G R C Nair of IBS Kochi !
Oct 26, 2007
Jun 4, 2007
a doubt in mahabharata
In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharata
Story to class 6 students.
He is at the 'Krishna janma' part of it.
Masterji: "Kamsa heard the Aakaashwani that his sister's 8th child is
going to kill him.
He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars.
First Son is born, and kamsa kills him by poisoning...
Second one is born n kamsa throws him off the mountain peak.
Third one is born .....
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand.
"Masterji, I have a doubt" (sounding nervous n confused)
Masterji: "Ramu beta, whole India does not have doubt in Mahabharata
Then how come u have one?"
Ramu: "Masterji, if Kamsa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to kill
him, WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL? "
Story to class 6 students.
He is at the 'Krishna janma' part of it.
Masterji: "Kamsa heard the Aakaashwani that his sister's 8th child is
going to kill him.
He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars.
First Son is born, and kamsa kills him by poisoning...
Second one is born n kamsa throws him off the mountain peak.
Third one is born .....
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand.
"Masterji, I have a doubt" (sounding nervous n confused)
Masterji: "Ramu beta, whole India does not have doubt in Mahabharata
Then how come u have one?"
Ramu: "Masterji, if Kamsa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to kill
him, WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL? "
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